VULTURES 1 BY TY $ & YE
It is the first day of my first class for literature,
and I sit here with 15 minutes until class, un-ready and full of fear. (It’s at 8am on a Monday morning, also so……).
What am I going to do about this anxiety…..DR K!! Doctor K helps everything. We get to choose to read either Jane Eyre or Hamlet, and while I want to learn more about Shakesphere, I really should stick to what I know right now, so I’m going with JANE.
Jane shouldn’t be too hard, I know the gist of all of the writer’s material, it’s all pretty one dimensional. But it’s also great and I’ve always weidly enjoyed her books, Sense and Sensibility ect. I will be very good at writing about this story I believe, I don’t have the same confidence about Hamlet, it’s in another language for one thing. However, it’s my first semester back in years, so I’m not expecting straight A’s either. What am I expecting? Failure.
Great.Ok here is where the fear comes from and it’s so juvenile
1. I hate being the new kid. Not knowing where to go and what to do. I’m going to find out where my class is tomorrow for today so next week I will just know, and I won’t be full of fear. ……. Fear, of not knowing where the classroom is….hmmmm at the time it seems a lot bigger.
What will I do with all my fear?
DOCTOR K! Dr. K will have all the answers. I’m starting his coaching soon, for business, so that will include my working on my PTSD.
Do I have a fear number 2? I won’t go ever to uni again, I’ll rationalise myself straight out of it and into failure. Time to make small, achievable goals. And have a powwow with someone about it. Powwow? I’m not sure if that means what I’m meaning it to mean, but I NEED A POWWOW.
I don’t have many people in my life anymore. In saying that, I meet all these older people in their 40s, and they are so scared of losing these toxic friends they have in their life, because they are scared of being alone without them.
Well, I am alone.
However, I started practising being alone when I wasn’t alone, like I knew this was coming, and I needed to train for it. I’m glad I did, because the pain hasn’t been as bad as these people I meet seem to think it’s going to be.
I used to be a people addict, I used people as a drug.
Furthermore, I had this realisation a few years ago when I realised the calibre of friends I was allowing into my life, it made me think that I rather be alone then have toxic people in my life. So I started to have nights alone some days, and it was hard at first and sometimes still is. However, there are benefits to being alone, you get more done, I tend to spend less money, work more, study more, there are many practical benefits not having people around endures. However, we need people in our lives.
On the other hand, we also need to remember that we ourselves are also at least four people alone. The Self, ego, shadow and soul/inner child. And we must make sure we take care of them first before we take care of anyone else.
I’ve always been forced into anything spiritual I’ve done in my life. Like I have some spiritual guide pushing me off the edge as I stare down to the ground in fear I won’t be able to fly. However, once pushed, not only do I fly, I soar.
There was nothing to be afraid of in the first place. I’m not walking through Carlton Gardens at 3am or starting a fight with a woman 3 times my size. I’m levelling up in life, it’s a natural process, it’s meant to happen, and It’s going to happen whether we like it or not.
Change is a powerful thing, people are powerful beings
Tryin' to find the power in me to be faithful
Change is a powerful thing, I feel it comin' in me- Lana Del Rey
Mother Lana BLESS
Only good things can come from taking that leap of faith, but I always need to be pushed. I know I need to jump…………why don’t I just jump yet? I don’t think I realise I need to jump yet, I don’t think I realise the fear in this area of my life is not actually real.
Should I quote Lana Del Rey again? OK, I won’t, I’ll quote someone else.
I used to go to the cinema alone a lot when I was younger, religiously to see the latest Woody Allen film, and just anything that was playing that seemed interesting. However, I rarely got anything out of doing it, and I was better off watching it alone at home. I’ve had some profound experiences watching film alone at home. I’ve also had some profound experiences watching films with others. For all my favourite films except one though, I have experienced them first alone at home. There is a sense of immersion you can get yourself into with a film at home that you can’t get into in public or with others around. You can go into a fantasy land of sadness and not feel guilty about it. Like I have permission to feel great about my grief for once.
- Danica Pania Conwell (I couldn't think of anyone else to quote and I couldn't remember why I was quoting in the first place anyway).
But as Lana Del Rey says, and she has said it in 50 different ways. FEAR:
Sometimes, it feels like I've got a war in my mind
I wanna get off, but I keep ridin' the ride
I never really noticed that I had to decide
To play someone's game or live my own life
And now I do, I wanna move
Out of the black (Out of the black) into the blue (Into the blue)But I still get lonely. And, baby, only then,
Do I let myself recline
Can I let go?
And let your memory dance, in the ballroom of my mind
Across the county line.
It hurts to love you, but I still love you
It's just the way I feel, and I'd be lying
If I kept hiding, the fact that I can't deal
That I've been dying,
For something real.
Feet don't fail me now, take me to the finish line
Oh, my heart it breaks every step that I take
but I'm hoping that the gates, they'll tell me that you're mine.
Walking through the city streets, is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on the Friday nights....Washing my hair, doing the laundry
Late-night TV, I want you only
Like when we were kids under chemtrails and country clubs
It's never too late, baby, so don't give up
It's never too late, baby, so don't give up
Under the chemtrails over the country club
You're born in December and I'm born in June
My Cancer is sun and my Leo is moon
My Cancer is sun and my Leo is moon
Did you know that there's a tunnel under Ocean Boulevard?
Mosaic ceilings, painted tiles on the wall
I can't help but feel somewhat like my body marred my soul
Handmade beauty sealed up by two man-made walls
And I'm like, when's it gonna be my turn?
Don't forget meBefore you talk, let me stop what you're saying
I know, I know, I know that you hate me.
- Lana Del Rey on FEAR and PEOPLE
VULTURES 1 ALBUM LISTENING THE INTRO - FEATURING ALOT OF LAIBACH WEIRDLY
So anyway, the video is just the intro to my Vultures 1 by Kanye West experience. Part 2 I actually listen to it with you, this video we talk about it and listen to band Laibach who I was listening to non-stop on Saturday mostly because I couldn’t find the remote to stop it but glad I couldn’t because I had forgotten about those guys, I truly love everything about them as artists. It’s similar to my favourite band Joy Division, except I believe Peter Hook was actually a Nazi, he took it all a little too seriously I think.
I always think with modern day Nazi’s ……..
What are you doing? Are you lost? You fought a good fight or whatever in 1940 whatever years they were (a really long time ago), but you lost. YOU LOST. What are you doing, still trying to create this dumb Arian race or whatever? HITLER IS DEAD, news flash, sheeshhh. He killed himself because he is a total coward and sore loser. So GIVE. IT. UP.
Being a Nazi in this day and age is so gay, I think people get confused because the Nazi’s looked so good. And sex sells, and the Nazis I believe are still selling because of that reason alone. You don’t need to be a Nazi to look like one, just wear Huge Boss or Adidas.
However, Nazis fight on without their brave leader who was basically just a junkie with mummy issues, good on you. Life not wasted AT ALL. (LIFE totally wasted).
But we have all in reality have to put up with these delusional jerks, so Laibach help us by imitating fascist regimes showing us how delusional they are, by laughing at them.
The second video where I actually listen to the second half of vultures 1 is coming up.
,,,,,to sleep per chance to dream. STOP DREAMING.
I better email my teacher xxx
Vivian V
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