THE DEVIL IN REMORSE

PROBABLY SHOULD READ THE BLOG FIRST BEFORE THE PODCAST OR SAMANTHA WILL COMPLETELY LOSE YOU

This podcast has Samantha reading to you, the plan for a reflection called Predator I have been writing for two years (too long).

I want to start talking about the reflection more, because I want to hold myself accountable to finishing it. The more people know about it the more likely I am to achieve it. They say….

Samantha, is about to read to you the plan I wrote out, in an attempt to organise my thoughts surrounding the war I had just been in with Victim X for six years. The plan I have recorded for this podcast, outlines how I started writing this reflection, also the reflection’s mentors and encouragers, its muses and it outlines exactly what I reflect on within the book in three words (mostly) or less per concept. This war was awe inspiring and the main inspiration for this non fiction/fiction, narrative novella/reflection called Predator that I have written.

Think about The Parable of the Cave by Plato, from book The Republic.

Remember that part where he has to go back down into the cave once he has left? This is where the war will start for us, and it can get pretty intense. Going back into the cave is a necessary process, and although seemingly quite brutal, leading you to feeling variants of sadness so painful you never knew this kind of pain even existed. This pain actually ends up becoming one of the most exciting and wonderful feelings defining the best times of your life. (Weirdly enough). It definitely has become that for me in hindsight.

The Parable of the Cave. Maybe the most important parable to hear, read and understand that's ever been written.

However, war is war, and considering my war ended two years ago now, I’m ready to find the peace now.

The peace that should come after such a meteor strike that was this six year war called “my life.” The chaos that plummeted down upon me, so fast and so real as I waited for it to ruin me, and at times willed it to ruin me even. It was pain at it’s most primitive and universal. It was nothing short of true beauty.

BRING.IT.ON. I willed it into my world.

I was never going to turn down a life offer like this! I had to experience it, and the alternative was not for me.

So when it’s your time to experience this war, and everyone will cross this path at some point in their life in one way or another, I advise you to just say yes! Embrace it, and have the courage to experience it. It makes you human, more human than ever before, and if you are over the age of 30. it’s time and this might be what you will expect to experience during this time…..

Why is my book about a war? What war? WW2? Even though Hitler is mentioned as a supporting actor in this reflection, he is simply a faze of my life, in which I was a mini-Hitler.

(Sans the racism entirely, but the need for world domination, power and drugs, all are pretty similar).

I call this war, The Ego War and we all go through it. I seemed to have gone through it a little more intergalactically than I hear others have. People talk about ego death like…”yes it happened when this bad thing happened to me in hospital ect…blah blah” and nothing about them has seemed to change much. Nothing except, they are a little less hateful than before they were, before their said “ego funeral.”

My whole world was turned around when I killed my ego and I didn’t even know I had to kill it when I did…..I just did.

I don’t know what force In this world thrusted me violently into a new dimension where the murder took place. This was not a hallucination because I was not on drugs at the time. At the time I was in a state I would describe as “hyper-fearful” and I was “hyper-panicking,” talking without breathe on the phone to my mother in the backyard of our 150 year old inner city house I lived in with two gay guys, one was in my band and the other was very special to me. He probably doesn’t know it or won’t ever know. He was the type to probably tell me to shut the fuck up if I said this to his face anyway, which would have made me like him even more.

He introduced me to this world called “being who you are,” simply from him, being who he was. He was super educated, very good looking and articulate, but he also would fuck up alot without shame, and need help sometimes very openly (the opposite to myself).

He wasn’t the coolest guy in the scene, but he was definitely one of the smartest and most in sync with the patterns of the world. When I lived in share houses, I tended to need a lot of time alone, because in those days people’s energy used to drain me. However, I think I now need it as fuel these days.

I’ve transferred from an introvert to extrovert over the years.

The brain and body seem to adjust to be able to survive in the environments they are put into to make my life easier.

The body and brain are your friend and I have not been a great friend to them back over the years I have to admit. However, that has never stopped my body being ride or die for me, and I plan to start taking care of it a lot better soon. It’s my turn to give back to my body after all the years it’s given me.

Back to my gay housemate no.1 though, he introduced and explained to me the beauty of Lana Del Rey, and was never offended of me being weird freaky little me that I am. I tend to agitate people with my freaky real personality a lot, but not him. He didn't even notice, he just accepted and lived his life like people should do and accept the way you live yours. Why does everyone need to be the same? He was the beginning of some change of thinking I was having that led to my impromptu ego death at that house the day my gay housemate went to Japan, and my friend Steven and I had advised him to not take non-prescribed “dexies” on the plane with him there.

At the time I was also dating a university professor who was 30 years older and married AND in a band - - - (Well how unusual this might be destructive….).

Who proceeded to make my life hell (again, “shocking”), in some incel-esque kind of way. I still can’t tell if he hated women or not. He was a sex addict, and even though he had been clean from heroin addiction for around 30 years when I met him, he was evidently still triggered by women.

     He used to be in a well known Melbourne band and still was making music under that name at the time. They were very well known and respected band in Melbourne. My boyfriend was well known also for writing and being in and apart of the concept for a seminal cult movie classic starring Michael Hutchins about the Melbourne music scene in the 1970-80’s called Dogs in Space).

Basically this meant…..he could still get pussy. Things like that get men pussy almost forever more. If I was a dude, I’d be in a band so fast, because it increases your ranking from a six to a nine! (And if the band is successful, you go straight to 10 very very fast. You are instantly dating Gigi Hadid and Taylor Swift at the same time, in no time. One hundred per cent truth).

Being a young early 20 something powerless girl, hating myself and the world, having imposter syndrome to another level and Femcel that I was, I needed this man’s power. So I took it.

Incel’s are a great source of power when you are a Femcel. (Not advice or advisable, just a fact).

I won’t say it wasn’t a mutually emotionally abusive relationship, because it was. However, he was older and smarter than I, so I came out of that one worse off (overall I won though because I ended up in recovery and it was because of my incel boyfriend and the pain the relationship caused me to have the spiritual awakening and start recovery. My incel boyfriend, who was already in recovery for heroin addiction and had been in recovery since he was 30, took me to my first meeting which was the beginning of life no. 2). During the relationship however, I lost control and the power and I lost that battle (but I won the war).

However, the moments of power I did get from him were enough for me, and when I broke up with him I was the most emotionally healthy I had ever been in my life and I broke it off with him because that was a time when I had killed my ego already many months before and I was just slowly backing out of this web of chaos and destruction, that I had internally caused myself over the first 24 years of my life, he was apart of that mess.

This back tracking started with the execution of some people in my life. Some of them exited of their own free will, which made things easier, they were not able to handle the changes I was making to help myself (because they knew they were changes they also had to make). Destructive people stick with destructive people, no shit, that’s obvious. You stick with your own kind……….but who do the loners stick with?

I have always been a classic loner.

Loners are usually the Taylor Swifts of the world, they can’t connect with people organically so they do it through art, fame, false narratives and power.

I know that Swift is a made up character, but this is because her life was centred around a career in which a character is necessary or you would probably go insane, and maybe you do anyway. From such a young age Swift has been violently sheltered. She’s a bit of an emotional retard because of it, she can’t just walk outside her front door and see what’s going on in the world, which Is the so important to do to understand the world, and to work out how the world is going, what it’s up to and how we can support it. She goes from sterile environment to sterile environment. This to me sounds like a very much needed holiday of mine! I like to holiday in sterile environments.

This reflection is very important to the progression of my life. I surmise that I won’t actually finish it until I LET GO.

Let go of what? The life I’m living now of course.

I must reincarnate soon, because I will die dark and alone on the path I’m on now. Dark, alone and longing for that time in my life that I was actually living it.

Help! I’m still at the restaurant

Still seating in the corner I haunt

Cross legged in the dim light

They say “what a sad sight”

I swear you could hear a hairpin drop

Right when I felt the moment stop

Glass shattered on the white cloth

Everybody moved on….

I stayed there 

Dust collecting on my pinned up hair

They expected me to find somewhere

Some perspective

But I sat and stared because I’m right where

You left me. - Taylor Swift Right where you left me

NO ONE! Wants to end up like this Taylor Swift track,

wait there’s more…

She’s still 23 inside her fantasy how it was supposed to be

At the restaurant

When I was still the one you want

cross legged In the dim light

everything was alright 

I could feel the mascara run

You told me that you met someone

glass shattered on the white cloth

everybody moved on..

….Yeah, so basically this reflection is that restaurant. In a way. But this restaurant used to be so exciting like Denny’s when I was a little girl or Sizzler, I LOVED those restaurants…..they were just…..special and different.

As I got older, they started to seem unimaginative and overly priced. So I stopped going to them.

I feel like that metaphor is self explanatory, I won’t go on….

___________________________

I have been writing this reflection in hope that the answer comes to me, how was I going to get up and just walk out of that fucking restaurant without completely falling apart?

I think the answer is, that there is no way to walk out of the restaurant at that point, without looking like a complete mess. Also, feeling like no one in the whole world loves me anymore, 100% love-less and also feeling like my life has become empty and meaningless and all these people are watching the ship go down, so I wait until they leave, but the staff are there still, and they don’t care about you, they are just living their lives and me being here is hindering them from doing that. (To be honest, Im not sure what that last part is a metaphor for, maybe you can figure it out and comment me??).

This war is a fight between me and Victim X. A worthy component.

I hate to sound 12 years old but, she started it. She did though, and I reluctantly, at first, accepted the invitation because it was some-what intoxicating.

A few days before this happened I had an amazing awakening experience where I apologised to my little child for hurting her over the last 15 years of my life and that was the day my inner child came back into my life and she’s been there ever since.

Everything was perfect and simple……..for a few days anyway…..However, it’s me and Little Danica these days after all that (and Tommy my cat).

I also have been mending my shadow intently for four years, however, my ego is no where to be found still since the war ended and Victim X lost.

However, I do think I will find my ego again once I leave the restaurant. She’s all flowery and brand new somewhere out there growing like a lotus flower, waiting for me to leave so she can rekindle with the group, and the shadow then can also re-join once the ego does. However, it’s just me and Little Danica right now, and has been for a long while and although Little Danica is very very tough, I can feel her starting to break now, and the search for the answer becomes a little more serious this year.

Then from no-where a few weeks ago, the answer just came to me, along with the reasons and everything!

It was a very obvious answer, as it usually is. I was in the shower, where all sorts of crazy spiritual things tend to happen to me, visitations mostly.

I know how to fix all of this after that, I know how to let go, why and move on peacefully. I also know how to finish the last chapter of this reflection also.

The plan for the last chapter of this reflection would be read like this by Samantha, after this realisation….

PLAN - LAST CHAPTER OF PREATOR - A REFLECTION OF A WAR

1. Broken spirituality

2. The inner child’s pain

3. Child abuse

4. Self abuse

5. Old habits die hard they just need to die

6. Time to find the ego

7. My shadow waits

8. The clarity is granted

9. The path has opened up

10. Courage

11. Facing fears

12. Trusting my inner child

13. Letting go of control

14. Letting go of victim X

15. Victim X will always be apart of me (just not in the restaurant)

16. The unknown

Luv Vivian V x

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I basically just note down all my strengths, ignore my weaknesses and work it like that. Sometimes though, strengths can look like weaknesses at first, so take care to really think about every dimension of the results and compare them with your partners to figure out what part of the relationship might struggle and how to over-come it. Great source of knowledge of self this test is. I highly recommend it.

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