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Transcript

TOTAL WAR

CHAPTER 5// PREDATOR BY DANICA CONWELL AUDIO

Verity & DJ Foxy/Moron

Aug 07, 2024

Transcript

TOTAL

WAR

`Why did I love her? And why do I not now?`

Well, maybe because that time is over for me? Possibly I don’t need to hear the message Lana Del Rey has to give anymore?

I don’t think Lana Del Rey even needs to hear the message that Lana Del Rey has to give anymore, because Lana Del Rey is probably dead. Or so it seems...

That look in Lizzy’s eye during the Coachella show this year, I knew she didn’t mean it anymore. Lana Del Rey was NOWHERE to be seen in those eyes. She looked very uncomfortable “weekend at bernie-ing” this Lana Del Rey character that once came so naturally to Lizzy Grant.

I know that will be the last time we see Lizzy Grant try to perform the already deceased Lana Del Rey ever again. Unless she’s some kind of masochist.

That Laura Palmer time of both myself and Lizzy’s lives is over. We are all dead now, we all saw that angel on a string as fake as those vipers dressed in empaths clothing. We all wondered aimlessly into a new world through force, not of our own will.

Furthermore, us lonely women all entered that world by force anyway, and it tormented us as part of some ignorant bargain we had made with it. At first, it caused us many a mood swings and feelings that could lead to killing people for asking a question. We never really became apart of that world either, not completely, still feeling like an outsider. The Lana Del Rey world I’m talking about that is.

The Lana Del Rey world, can also be called the Marilyn Monroe world, the Princess Diana world, the Molly Bloom world. And woman who felt power like it was a hit of a very addictibe drug once and stopped at nothing to get it back and keep it under your control (which you can never do so you are doomed from the start).

That is what I’m talking about when I say Lana Del Rey world, and you must play a version of yourself to remain in this world, you can’t be yourself naturally. This has been what Lana Del Rey has represented for me all these years.

In parallel I’ve been living in this world side by side with Lana for a long time. Ive been in denial, but this came to an end maybe three years ago and I finally got shoved onto a path of re-discovery about one year ago, and I’ve been on a journey ever since to figure out where I’m at now.

I have an idea and it’s not the most fun but it’s me and Little Danica and that is never that bad, as long as we are together. (My inner child).

All the lonely women can play these characters very well, but the world always won in the end.

That’s why I’m here now writing this blog, and that’s why Laura Palmer was in that red room with the angel and that’s why Lana Del Rey was on that stage in Coachella performing really badly. That’s why we are all here now laughing, no longer in denial.

But will I ever feel as excited about life as I felt in that world? I think about this question a lot, and it seems unlikely. This makes me sad.

Will Lana, will Taylor, did Laura Palmer? She is the only dead one out of all of us, however, she’s also not a real human being. I don’t have the capacity to even fathom a metaphor for that right now.

I want to take a closer look at the slow death of Lana Del Rey as a case study and maybe find some answers in it for me and how to get to the end of this seemingly endless journey.

Lana released an album in 2020/21 called Blue Banister’s. As a real life case study example of what this change does to someone and how humanly fucked it can be at first until we get used to the light, I’m going to take a look at this album, which I think was Lana Del Rey’s good bye album. Also look at some performances at the beginning and at the death of Lana. And those times in Lizzy’s career as Lana Del Rey where she just couldnt become that character for whatever reason that day, and the struggle she endures while trying in front of a audience of watchers on.

Playing a character that is not who you actually are can serve its purpose, while it serves its purpose. But over staying its welcome can land you straight back down into the cave again watching the shadows and thinking they're real………DELUSION SETS IN EVENTUALLY.

BECOME HUMAN

From Birth to Death///LANA DEL REY

Case Study///

This secions is referring to the second video below

This was the first time Lizzy Grant introduced the world, on a larger scale, to the exciting and fucked up character of Lana Del Rey. A character she played phenomenally for many years before and after this performance. Some days, I could tell she just didn’t have it in her to become Lana, i.e., Lizzy’s first Saturday Night Live appearance as Lana Del Rey:

(SNL appearance in video below. Lizzy struggles to become Lana on this night early in her career).

That aside, and only one of a few bad performances of Lana Del Rey. In the video below, Lizzy literally transforms into Lana on this night for a long time, bats swinging, singing with vengeance in this performance. The words and experiences of Lana Del Rey so perfectly tacky, becasue they are honest and uncool and portraying perfectly that feeling powerful people have on young beautiful girls. It’s intoxicating and the lonely girls will compromise all their foundational boundaries to get a piece of it. To get that next hit.

Lizzy beauitfully stayed in character of Lana for the next 10 years after this performace, inspiring all the lonely girls that were stereotypically not stereotypical around the world listening to her. (For better or for worse).

Lana Del Rey takes centre stage here and on into the future. Representing all the lonely women, still alive and those now dead, that came before us.

LIZZY GRANT PRESENTS LANA DEL REY’S INTRODUCTION TO THIS WORLD. A STAR IS BORN.

This performance encompasses everything Lana Del Rey stood for, honesty, provocative language and concepts, the darkness, beauty, dysfunctional powerful men, the innocence and the sadness of the beautiful tragic woman. Not forgetting the loneliness also of the beautiful tragic woman, the loss of power, denial and most importantly the uniqueness of this woman too.

And of course, the video games.

`THE VIDEO GAMES ARE NO MORE`

The video below displays what I think will be the last time Lizzy Grant plays Lana Del Rey, or attempts to anyway. This performance tells me that Lana may have died a long time ago.

Lyrics from her last album also suggesting so. Lyrics such as:

When’s it' gonna be my turn? …..Don’t forget me..

These words conveying her need to for Lana to die, while also conveying her fear of being forgotten at the same time. (The reason why she held on long after Del Rey was already dead).

As you will hear in this next video, she literally sings the track, There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd.

This Coachella performance (or part of it) below, was half Lizzy Grant, half undead Lana Del Rey, and it’s a right mess.

The album before “Tunnel,” called Blue Banisters, I knew was Lana Del Rey’s last real goodbye album. It was perfect. Lana’s best work besides Honeymoon, which is on par with Blue Banisters (both unpopular albums of hers).

This death is especially heard during track three, called Arcadia. A song indicating that Lana is going to heaven, after giving a big fuck you to America on her way out.

“I’m leaving like as I was 5 foot 8, west of bound, plus the hate, that they gave, by the way, thanks for that, on my way, I’ll pray for ya. You will need a miracle…..America.” -
Arcadia LDR.

`LIZZY GRANT PRETENDING LANA IS STILL ALIVE`

`She may have realised Lana is dead dead by now, but the show still had to go on……and it did…`

This is a dismal show for a main stage, headline artist Coachella performance. However, Lizzy can not help it, Lana is just dead and gone.

Lizzy probably didn’t discover this until she was on stage. That’s kind of a nightmare, though. However, coming out of denial is always a good thing, even though it quite often doesn’t feel that way at the time.

In any case, thinking back to the masterpiece that was Lana Del Rey’s last glorious album Blue Banister’s, and it’s beautiful track number 3 called Arcadia, celebrates the life and now aftermath of Lana Del Rey. Her departure to Arcadia was equal parts a relief, bitter-sweet and a little tormenting.

`WHO ARE WE AND WHERE IS OUR IDOL?`

Now that Lana Del Rey is gone, we are left alone with Lizzy Grant.

…..Hey Lizzy.

Who the fuck are you??!!

You ARE NOT the woman who sung, “boy, you're so dope. Your love is deadly….” And you are not the woman who asks the boy you were dating, “I heard that you like the bad girls, honey. Is that true?”

No,no. NO!

Hmm mm. It’s confusing to hold onto a narrative so tight for so long, only to realise it no longer exists to serve you and validate your existence anymore. It’s a beauiotful expricne to identify with an artist so meaningfully and allowing it to guide you but it can also get toxic and lead to ther cave sitatuion also. That doesn’t mean you don’t badly want it to exist still. (I mean, I badly want it to exist still).

But as I said, music can’t be controlled, and Lana’s music was a narrative that is now in the past only. It’s literally history for me now. I can no longer live alongside of it. (And hide behind it). I have a map of Arcadia on my bedroom wall now. (I’m still trying to find her).

`So what’s next….`

This chapter, Total War, is about my Lana Del Rey days, in all their beauty and nightmares. All the colours and the darkest, dark days of my life also. This chapter is trying to tell you a story about a time in my life where I had become aware of this evil nature I possessed, but I had not labelled it “evil” yet. I just thought it was my power, and it was to be used when absolutely needed only. (Not yet aware that it should never be used). Only when I was the victim of course! But, who was the judge and jury of that decision?

Me!

Uh huh, that’s where things went wrong.

This chapter is a part of my non-fiction philosophical reflection about a six-year period of my life, in which I fought a war and didn’t die. (But oh god did I cry). I can’t say that others around me were so lucky though.

All the characters are real, but protected with fake names. Most of them. I think so, anyway.

I believe I’m not brave enough yet to write what actually happened without hiding behind this conceptual bullshit you hear in this chapter. Concepts are like little shields to protect you from actual reality. (They are the shadows in the Cave). Concepts allow you to be general and meaningless, while sounding super deep and meaningful.

Yeah, well, it's not easy. I'm reading a book I love, and recording it as an audiobook with my commentary. It's a great book for writers, but it’s not like books on writing like the book called, On Writing. Which is a great book that I still follow the rules of right now! I cherish it.

No, this one is a bit different. The writer goes through this book about fiction narrative, suffering the same predicament the reader may be suffering at the time also. The lessons come in these creative ways she manages to evolve, intuitive practices throughout the book, practising new techniques in prose. These insights inspired by the stories she had told about herself, that had come from the section of the book before it. Pondering on how she can get vulnerable when she writes.

Anyway, It will be easier to understand if you decide to listen to the book. I'm putting it up in full once I finish it in full. If anyone is a writer, you may be particularly interested in this one. It’s a relatively unknown book so far. I think it will continue to grow to become a classic. It is quite old now though.

In this book, in the second section, she states:

Pleasure, freedom, torment and emptiness, is what I want my writing to express. But I don’t know if I ever have expressed it.

This woman is some kind of spirit animal of mine, because she really hits that identify button hard.

I love to identify with words and sentences, and it’s not hard to write sentences that people will feel a deep affiliation with though. It’s no secret (it’s just people choose not to notice this, out of fear), that most of the time if you write from the heart, NON-CONCEPTUALLY, you will achieve this connection with the reader.

Consequently, in the search for how to become the writer, the writer of this audiobook wants to become. She accidentally becomes it, by writing about wanting to become it.

Go figure.

Maybe Lizzy and I will also stumble across ourselves soon, too. My hope is that she already has.