Paradise

A literal event in my life involving the most severe of pain one will feel in their life. However, this brought the war to an end thankfully.

I surrendered to that pain that day and what became of it was the beginning stages of paradise being built inside of me.

I will refer to this event and two more that followed it as my Spiritual Awakenings (S.As/S.A).

I was speaking with my mother at the time before the time it happened, you see, when my darkness took over, it took over EVERY THOUGHT PROCESS AVAILABLE TO ME. All I saw was darkness. I had seen it all my life up until that afternoon.

It’s all I felt,

all I knew,

and it was a living hell.

Worst thing about me in this state of mind and still is some days…

(Although I no longer want suffering and hell for all humans anymore and instead want to cause no harm to anyone ever and only hope to see those around me prosper and evolve greatly and will be their biggest cheer leader when they do and support when they need it too and that’s the only way I know how to be a friend basically at this point),

…….worst thing about me is that I lose all sense of logic and reason in times of extreme stress, and I will start to believe all the negative things I think about myself and life and worst………ill start to play the victim. gawwwwd gross.

This “all or nothing” thinking I have the ability to possess, is problematic when dealing with darkness and evil because it meant when I was evil I was ALL EVIL, and nothing good remained. My evil became my only source of power, and I sought power in high doses when I was a young girl.

But it was the delusional power that when gained (via manipulation and abusive behaviour) that I sore the effects reign down upon only those “prey animals” around me I called my friends and boyfriends, which caused pain to them and me ALOT of bad karma after the fact….TRUST ME.

But I’d just de-compartmentalise all that at the time and get on with the next prey up and prey came to me like a revolving door those days, all the while not realising I has very quickly becoming predator to myself. That was fun.

This delusional state of mind became my reality, until the earthly fundamental reality kicked in called pain and that’s when I unknowingly was saying good bye to the war that never existed or was’t my war too fight, also to all the prey and good bye to the need to fight and hate and resent and come into a new reality of the exact opposite of all that I now call Paradise.

To achieve this I had to get a hold of a machete and slaughtered that girl (me).

I attacked her with everything I had in me until she was dead. And suddenly, there came raining down upon me the light of wisdom.

The light came pouring into my head so suddenly sitting alone in the dark. I may have been alone but not lonely this time; the Universe lighting up my life and reigning millions of clarities down to me about who I was, why I was, when I WAS, what I was and why and so on.

A trillion clarities over and over coming down to me and growing so naturally like branches of a tree, until I knew everything about the universe and about myself, about life and I was no longer lost.

This followed with it a feeling of being connected to every other being also here within this same universe. But, most importantly, I knew that I was the Universe and we all had Universes inside of us, ready to shine so bright and help us build a beautiful paradise to counteract the most fundamental of realities the dystopian pain. We all have and will feel this human pain, some more than others maybe, but it is a guarantee of life.

But with my tiny holiday from this pain with this light breathing a new identity of self, and a understanding of self, which I used to start to build my new life, using the strength of my new paradise.

When this S.A process was over,  I stepped out into the afternoon and it was no longer raining, It was a beautiful sunny day now surprisingly. The birds were chirping and the sun was bright and it was shining and I was completely elated with the colours I could actually see for the first time. I looked at a colour purple of a flower and it was ACTUALLY purple, and I understood it as purple for the first time, same for pink, and blue etc.

That was the day I started to begin to understand the language of colour.

 

(And I wasn't on any drugs when this happened just so you know)