TRIGGER WARNING
Im well aware that I spelt narcissism wrongly. TBH.
Obviously Rape is discussed including my own, not in any graphic detail because its unnecessary, I think naming it rape is enough, you get the point. Also trigger warning is that I am only talking about rape between an adult female and male, the male being the perpetrator. I do touch on women doing it from stories the males in my life have told me, but I won’t speak for the male population).
Why?
Because I am a female and I only have experience in this type of rape, and I was not a victim of Pedophilia, so I can’t comment on that either without in depth research. However, this podcast and blog isn’t about getting everything perfectly right, its about being yourself, being honest with yourself, taking responsibility, calling shit out if it needs to be and not everyone is going to agree with me, and if you don’t, tell me!
I want to hear your opinions or your experiecnes on the matter and/ or learn your knowledge on the subject at hand. Comment below, on your opinions for or against on how I approach any topic and if you don’t think it’s ok that I’m talking about anything a certain way, please always follow with a why!
I’m really not interested in half thoughts (WHAT AND WHY needed, otherwise it’s not a fully formed opinion. And if you comment like a juvenile, I will come at you like a pitbull).
You have stepped onto a socialist (lol) - esque run blog and podcast. Maybe Techo-pessimist maybe idk, I don’t do extremes. Basically, you all have just as much opportunity to have your say as I do mine, so HAVE IT. I even invite you to join me onto a video or just audio podcast done over the fucking telephone if we must to have your say. You can submit your essay on a topic I have discussed and I will post it, and comment on your work! All you have to do is ask.
If you have sent me a PM, just comment and tell me you have or text me and tell me you have, if you have my number, I don’t ever check my inbox unless I have too.
So rape is the main trigger warning today. I also talk about corporal punishment, playing hot and cold at the back of the bus in primary school and Taylor Swift’s bad music, good music video I watched with the sound down.
But, not only is rape discussed, it is discussed quite candidly and neutrally, which may disturb some people or make people think I don’t take it seriously, BUT I DO. I’m dead serious when it comes to rape, I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Maybe watch the podcast and meet me back here for a more in depth analysis of the situation from a “actual difference/Irigarian” thinker viewpoint, aka me. HAI! Vivian V xxx
NOTE: An “actual difference” thinker believes that it’s the differences that will be the first step in resolving conflicts between anyone and anything. The positive validation of the differences which then will lead us to see any similarties to identify with each other and this will lessen, if not end, the conflict. Come from a place of knowing not, not knowing. This is why I believe equality is dangeorus and will keep us sinning in a cycle, until we look at the inequalities. END NOTE.
Ive had to move half of the blog to another post because it was too large. Its not that long but this intro is! So like, how much time is this bitch spending on the intro? Lately I’ve been feeling like Guy Pearce in Momento. I just set the bar and bitches fall under it like limbo. The family, that’s all that matters, all these 90s fantasies on my mind. I might come through without censorship to check if you fine. That’s just me on my solo like, “Fuck it”, like “YOLO.” Wanted to tell you, “Accept yourself.” You don’t have to prove shit to no one, except yourself. And if you end up needing some extra help, I can help. Trying to get my karma up, fuck the guilty and the greedy shit. But seriously, how much time is this bitch spending on the intro?
R - — A- - —P - — E
(Not that big of a deal)
Trust me, I bought into it for a long time too. I’m obviously referring to the narrative of rape spun from generation to generation and culture to culture and war to yet another war. ($$$ damn it feels good to be a gangster).
But really, is it mostly just hype? I feel at this point the idea that rape is probably 1 of only 2 main weapons men can use against women. Well, that’s pretty damn basic.
I feel basic still having to write about rape! In a time where we have Chat GPT and that disturbing brilliant endless conversation between Slavov Zizek and Werner Herzog, The Infinite Conversation. (Miceli, G 2023 https://infiniteconversation.com/#43/4).
Rape is what got the patriarchy victory over the matriarchy 100 thousand years ago and they have never stopped using it to control women and whats worse is that women haven’t become immune to it yet. (R, Bowers, S, Medusa and the female gaze. JSTOR, https://www.jstor.org/stable/4316018).
If rape was a drug (and for men it seems to be), we would all have evolved past it by now I assume? (May I add rape is power and power is the drug). We should have evolved past it, imo, many immune systems ago. Where epigenetics at when it comes to rape or power?
Power is a hard one because it seemingly is the gift that keeps on giving and the longer you thrive off of it the harder it becomes to let it go, even if it’s killing you. It’s by chance I let my evil power hungry ways go one day and I hit what AI would call “Singularity.” It was bliss
However, men still love to do it and women still think it’s the worst crime bestowed upon them. That’s some damn good drug, very pure, or it’s just a damn good narrative that we stupidly keep believing therefore keeping the drug alive in our systems.
By and large, for women it is not a drug, it is a poison. Wait, a drug is a poison medically speaking, so that’s that, we are all addicted to rape. (BLOG OVER…………………You wish. Are you feeling nervous? Are you having fun? It’s almost over………no………..it’s just begun).
Personally, it’s never been my thing. I used to fear rape as one of the most heinous things that could ever happen to me, but once I had it, once, twice, three times etc. It lost it’s importance. I also, lost my fear of it and started to become more curious then scared about it, without this fear I was able to dive deeper into exactly what was going on and think of ways to end it, or come up with reasons why it shouldn’t end!
Who are we to say a drug, that has lasted 100 thousand years, isn’t holding society together? We really don’t know, it wasn’t needed under a matriarchal rule, but it seems to be a staple under the patriarchy.
However, it was never really that interesting, nor important enough to dedicate my life to. Well, I don’t think so anyway.
It’s a sneaky drug, that Power, and TBH, I basically used to be a rapist. What am I saying, I have dedicated my life to it without knowing! Gah!
Here is my testimony and plea regarding my self proclaimed rapist accusation.
I was a very disempowered girl about 10-15 years ago and all throughout those 10-15 years to remeady this powerlessness, I would artificially gain it from men. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew I could do it.
Ever since Tristan, the year 11 boy from Newtown performing arts high school stared at me in the principles office that day when I was only 13 years old (well he didn’t know that, it was high school we were all young, but the difference between a year 8 student and year 11 is quite vast when you are at high school. We even wore different uniforms to the seniors, I assume he thought I was year 10).
I was obsessed with him being obsessed with me. And this pattern of power seeking continued somewhat the same way for 15 years.
This obsession of mine turned to hate pretty quickly for numerous reasons. For start, the fact that obsession nearly always turns to hate was the main reason. However, most people walk away from things they hate, but not me! I used to muse what I hate, and I did so up until last year.
I now muse beauty in all its forms, but Im a very different person since that 13 year old who got her first power hit from Tristan.
Tristan looked like Drasic from Heartbreak High. He was a really good looking boy. And he was also a bad boy, I used to be in English class and I would watch him get taken out of the bathroom by the vice principal for smoking in there.
Tristan, gave me my first hit of power, and he had no idea the path he had set me on by doing that. Power was nearly the death of me, or the seeking of it. It’s why Ive become the person I am today because it made me lose myself so intensely I was barely human anymore before my first spiritual awakening.
Metaphorically speaking, Tristan was like winning at the pokie machines the first time you try using them, or when that first hit of heroin takes away all of your pain.
I started to explore power in all its forms, unknowingly of course, but looking back I can see the patterns of behaviour driving me towards the seeking off power from men, not sex based rape, I would more rape their soul, stealing all of their power away and lapping up the last of their spirit’s essence, type rape. I was a sadist, Your Pain, My Joy (Knight, S 1996).
I completely lost myself to seek power and I found it for the most part within the men around me, and this obsession with them led me to hate them.
If you are going to use power as a drug, because your mind can’t naturally produce it, because it has never known it, you going to have to use people. This is where many of my problems derive and I feel like I should have come with a warning label for potential men and boyfriends coming into my life. I was purely attracted to power, and powerful men, until I met my soul mate Andre Klein after my first spiritual awakening about five years ago.
Unfortunately, the damage of being a power junkie for that long, that involves hurting a lot of people very badly, especially myself, has been long lasting and I’m still very damaged from it.
I was killing myself from my soul outwards with this addiction.
I would mostly withhold sex from men for power, then find a way to degrade them for it, for that little extra hit at the end.
Most of the time I would just use men straight up, before I even got to know their name. I’d go in, get my hit, and get out real quick. Other men, aka my boyfriends, I would abuse them slowly and get that good clean pure long lasting power hit. I was a nightmare, dressed like a daydream.
There are many songs about women becoming this, like Blank Spaces by Taylor Swift, or Video Games by Lana Del Rey, so it’s not unusual. As you would know, unless you have been living in solitary refinement, women are often raised disempowered in the most healthy of families. I grew up with a severely mentally ill mother and no support from my father, and not much support at all to teach me how to survive this game of life. So I winged it.
I would just deal with what my mother’s mental illness would throw at me, get tough and learn how to de-compartmentalise like a sociopath. This all contributed to me feeling powerless, because I could never get my mother to act normal, which brought me great shame. It also, consequently, made me feel not just powerless in that situation, but powerless over myself and my choices and this wasn’t good. It set me on a path of great darkness and fear, I felt absolutely powerless in this world until that day in the principle’s office.
By the time I was 13 I had been living in this dark, powerless and shameful world for many years, so it was like having my first hit of heroin, It took the pain of a powerless life away for a moment and I was immediately addicted.
I became a junkie instantly, and I was climbing up the ranks fast in order to exert whatever power I could over those below me. I always felt men were below me by default, there was always a man out there that you could get that power hit from.
This was a not so secret, secret, that I found out pretty fast. Also, to prolong the effects of power, was to not give the men what they wanted. First, you lead them on as long as you can, bargaining with other resources at your disposal ,most of the time never actually putting out, only when necesary and at the right times to manipulate them. Putting out to me, I saw as a loss of power for the most part. The men I saw as powerful, I would happily put out for them, however, there was always a bargaining of sorts going on in my head.
This is how I suffered my way to excruicating pain for a VERY LONG TIME.
I only put out for men who I felt had more power than I, one way or another, the rest were just cheap shots, that “just enough” dosage to get me by before my next good long pure hit.
This is basically the mindset of a rapist. It’s kind of similar to the mindset of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s character in Nymphomaniac Vol 1 & 2, or the main character in Shame. It is true, it is very shameful to use people as a drug. You always feel like you might get caught out or you feel like you never belong. I have used all sorts of drugs in my time and I have never felt shame about any of them except Xanax and people. However, I was a Xanax junkie, and I was a people junkie. Am I having a light bulb moment? CLARITY.
Being a junkie of anything brings you shame. WHOA.
I wonder why that is? Is it that humans get shame from needing? I guess that makes sense?
There is more, continued on next blog The Great Rape Obsession Part 2. See you there
Love Vivian V xx
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