FOXY/MORON MY MUSICAL PROJECT LIVE VIDEO FOOTAGE IN 2014
Dealing with me nine years ago sampling films, writing lyrics about God or hating men and playing the drums while singing about love....paradise.
PREDATOR THE BLOG// VIOLENCE// THE MUSIC EDITION// FOXYMORON LIVE 2014
FOXY/MORON LIVE 9 YEARS AGO// FILM SAMPLING INTERLUDES WHILE SINGING ABOUT THOSE BAD BAD MEN// BEFORE I WAS VIVIAN V I WAS A PREDATOR AND I WAS EVIL// THIS IS FOXY/MORON, MY ALTER-EGO I KILLED TO BECOME……HUMAN
THIS IS THE EVIL ME WHO I HAD TO KILL SOMETHING LIKE 1 OT 2 YEARS
This is the evil version of myself that I was for way too long, maybe 15 years solidly and actively a predator. I killed her maybe 1 or 2 years after this performance. But that didn’t mean I do or did not love her. She just had to go. I present to you, me. Evil Vivian V aka FOXY/MORON circa 2014, in West End, in Brisbane Australia.
Foxy/moron aka Danica Conwell, Live from Browning Street music studios in West End Brisbane Australia. Very late at night in the dark performing samples, drumming, singing and feeling the grief that comes with the last days of being a predator.
Thanks Cal for filming this, the evil me has hardly any video documentation. Subscribe to Cal on youtube, he probably has some amazing performances by bands that time in Brisbane, which was a great time for the Brisbane music scene. So much inspirtaiton and talent, it was a great time musically if not for any other reason ha.
“...but they didn’t know that in dealing with me, they were dealing with a staunch woman…. S.T.A.U.N.C.H
…..I’m telling you! We don’t weaken.” Lil Edie - from the Grey Gardens Documentary. You can watch it on YouTube I highly recommed it. And that is the sample I use in the first interlude before song two.
I guess I was doing interlude samples before I even knew what the word “Drake” meant.
The first song I sing is a synthy remix cover of a Julee Cruz song about love. Then I segway into the above quote by Edie give or take, spoken over the top of some pre-recorded garage band style clunkey sample. Lil Edie was one of my idols when I was evil. Lil Edie was shown to me, as most great things I’m shown come from, by my gay male and female friends (my most cherished life teachers). Edie was introduced to me by my gay male friend Tom.
I don’t know why I found such tradgy so beautiful but I always have. From the main female character in The Brown Bunny, to Lil Edie, to the character Nana in Godard’s Vivre Sa Vie.
The Jean Luc Godard film starring philisophical new wave muse Anna Karina english translation, “a life to live.”
I love the elusive tragic muse. Im not only drawn to her, I think I was her. Am I still today? You would need to ask someone else probably, why are you? Don’t be, it’s not a easy path to take, but I NEVER took the easy path back then. Why? Because I saw the other path as boring, delusional and it was that path I wouldn’t and actually couldn’t take, because it was never going to produce a story. And I wanted a story most of all in life.
I was constructing my narrative.
A very painful and tragic narrative that I probably should have died from by now.
But the narrative got a quick last minute re-write one day and I did the opposite of die, even though I killed myself (I can explain another day or if I don’t need to exlain, great. In any case, I killed Foxy/Moron……twice. Deal with it).
I remember being her, Foxy/Moron, and doing these shows in Brisbane and just feeling so out of place. A scared little girl still in so many ways.
Which was probably a little bit Imposter Syndrome and a little bit stage freight and a little bit because it was a “me against the world” type feeling always between me and the people in that town. Sure, I had many brilliantly talented muscians believe in me amoungst the five years preceding that show. They would try to mentor me or try get me to that next level. Try to elevate the potential they saw I had, and I did have it and they knew it! However, It was unfortunate that my addictive personality was taking centre stage of my life at the time and was a little too important to me to care about living up to my talents and potetntial or for success or any virtue of it whatsoever. Love was just not going to compute for me, not for a couple more years to come anyway. And leaving Brisbane was ignornatly the first step to getting there. Thank God for accidnetally making the right choice ha.
Consequently, by the time I finally let love in I had given up on making music, but it was the right thing to do, because that’s what I thought I should do and instead my duty to music was to just love it completely, feel it completely and understand it to the deepedt depths I could possibly get to with it and still remain in understanding of it.
One thing I gained within the last seven years through my wisdom of firstly the calm before the storm, secondly, the war and then third and final stage of this era of my life, the aftermath, I gained a deep trust for myself. Have a forgiven myself? I think I did, despite saying I haven’t many times in the last few years. I always said I had not, because I think that’s the dream right?
And why would I be worthy of living some kind of dream mental state, a sort of mental paradise. Did I deserve mental paradise?
I thought I surely did not, but I dont know now. I think did get that paradise and it was mostly the reason why I felt such pure bliss after my second spiritual awakening.
Looking back on this time at this show, for start, I was kind of onto something musically I think. Ha. WTF. I wish I had believed in myself more. I would come and play in Melbourne and people would acutually support my music, like it and understand it. I got next to none of that in Brisbane, besides the muscians I have mentioned who believed in me and they were always very well respected figures amoung the Brisbane, interstate and even international music scenes at the time.
The night of my first Foxy/Moron show, I said to a work colleague earlier that same day, “I am getting on a stage tonight and I’m going to do some really really crazy things!” I pronounced unbeliebaly with much fear. I didn’t have a conventional band, I had two drums, backing tracks I’d pre-recorded and lyrics about God, astrology and bad men and also two covers by Julee Cruz and a Bauhaus cover. I also had practiced dance routines to go with some of the tracks and when I got to the show I was apparently the opening act for a guy who was friends with probably one of my biggest - judgers of me and my worthiness to be playing music on a stage - female haters in Brisbane! Great.
A positive Brisbane memory I have is Patience from very popular local Brisbane band The Grates was cheering for me in the background and even singing lyrcis to one of my tracks at my first show I did as Foxy/Moron. You see on the other hand, some believed in me more than I did.
The idea of executing this show was fucking scary to me leading up to it! I did it at a venue and cafe Patience and her then boyfriend (also from The Grates) John owned. My first ever show as Foxy/Moron (what’s with the slashes, that’s how I wrote it I must really like them//ha).
What I was attempting to portray, in my execution of Foxy/Moron, (which i did and didn’t do well) was very clouded back then from the sadness that my narrative produced within me and although the idea was quite original and kind of cool, it was foggy like my brain, but it was the best I could do in that state of mind though. What I was trying to portray was quite different for the Brisbane music scene, there was no other solo artists getting up playing backing tracks and pre-recorded sample interludes while playing live drums and singing at the same time while standing up and dancing sometimes too to well rehearsed choreography. There probably still isn’t. It was performance art featuring music, to explain Foxy/Moron a little better, and I felt there was a definite lack of validation for what I was doing amoungst my peers in that town at the time;
(whether this was in my head or not, it hindered me greatly. However, this was nine years ago, so I had burnt MANY A BRIDGE by this point in my then home town of Brisbane Australia and this was entirely by fault born from my decsions and my behaviours. (Don’t worry, I’m well aware of this). And people probably weren’t validating me half of the time because of this. I was this crazy dangerous evil non commital lost little girl! One year after this show and after I took the money and the bag and I stole the keys, being that the last time Brisbane ever saw me, I was enroute to Melbourne. I didn’t tell anyone I was going, I just left).
Melbourne welcomed me positively and enthusiastically, I was fast friends with two musician girls Grace and Sharmayne and we started a fun improv/rehearsed band called the VDL Witches and DJ’d together weekly at a phone in love song dedications night, sometimes under the name The Holy Bible in the city.
Melbourne didn’t know me very well yet…..so they were excited about me. They seemingly had nothing to lose by knowing me…..yet.
So, because I have been at war or preparing for war for most of my life and I don’t know exactly what tirggered me into that state of mind, but also, how did I even know there would be a war in the first place! That’s probably something to do with the fact that I started it. However, not to brush off the responsibility or anything completly, but TBH, I can’t help but think I didn’t have much to do with it starting. I definitely rose to the occasion once I felt it had though.
I grabbed that gun and drove around until there was no sound…but. Hmmm, no sound.
No sound is deafening to me.
After hearing the sound of my soulmates voice and feeling the connection of my twin flames presence in my life, the silence after that has grown into something more than just a sound, it’s become an experience. An experience, I really rather not have to experience anymore, but the more I fight it the harder it will be to stop experiencing it in favour of something more menally well. The fear of what will happen if I give into this silence. Not giving in, has stopped me from letting go of it.
So when do I make the decsion to face my fear? And after I make that decision, how do I face it exactly? I have no trouble facing 95% of my fears on a daily basis, but the remaining 5% of fears are the real fucking bitches and how to go about facing these btiches it still a really nightmarish mystery to me. But they really are like mothfucking, cunt, slut, whore, pig, filfhy, horrible, and ugly dumb bitch fears, to be quite honest with you. PLEASE DIE.
I would love to have been a friend to the girl performing this show, and just told her/me that everything will be ok. I wish I could say I would have actually believed that too, but I wouldn’t have even known what it meant. Do I even believe it now? I won’t answer that. However, I haven’t let go yet and until I do, I’l be struggling to not feel that life has unjustly stolen from me right now. In the least victimey way possible.
Anyway, today Im close to residing permanently in hell if I don’t watch it.
Hell being the inner workings of Michael Jackson’s DANGEROUS mind
Hell also being, the depths of my mind right now and probably the mindset I was in during this performance at this show I did as Foxy/Moron (probably my last in Brisbane before I skipped town forever), wtaching this could help you understand what I mean when I say “I was evil.” This is because evil has a energy that is never how you think evil will feel. Alot of people associate evil with power or cool maybe, they are all as delusional as each other. Evil is in no way a power based state of mind, not for extended amounts of time especially, not for females. Evil is more like a full time melancholia, mixed with being a victim from having nothing but resentments to those around me, that could have gone on forever if I had let it. I had let these resentments cut me deep. The drums I played on stage were so cathartic to play, they were tribal and I was preparing for war at this stage so they meant more to me than just keeping the beat. They marked the beginning of the war that would kick into full swing only 3 years after this show ended and now I’m on the other side of it, still alive and the war is now over.
I dont say everything will be ok to myself though these days, I say to myself “come on, you know you got this!” Because I know I do.
I have always approached life like a soldier approaches war, which turned me into a love addicted predator. I was sharpening my sadistic knives and after I had my first spirutal awakening and got clean for two years, I somehow worked out how to use all that good and all that kindness I learnt as a weapon in a the war that I chose to allow to start and that I chose to fight in.
This war started after my second spiritual awakening and I DID have a choice to start it or not and my choice had been made clear, but the second choice was not at all appealing to me even now, let alone 6 years ago. It was a form of delusion in the shape of religion, dogma or “happiness” that will never be the choice I make in life. I may not choose war these days, but I will never choose religion which is choosing to cycle instead of evole, its a sin and I will always choose the darker path for this and many other reasons.
You see the dark path is more real, its more me and theres always a chance of disocovering the more human in me if I dive deep down below into that darkness. I will never get anywhere with my head in the clouds, that really is a true sin in my eyes.
Written by
Vivian V (no longer a predator) <3
Brought to you by Jawbreaker Productions PTY LTD
The Predator Blog and Podcast music edition// VIOLENCE EPISODE 11
(Episode 10 was made first but I fucked up babes. badddddly. haha. Only recorded the intro and I didn’t hit record on the main section. WHAT A BITCH. I’ve tried to salvage it. it was part of VIOLENCE music edition and it is dedicated to Hip Hop. New Hip Hop in particular. BUT THE SHOW MUST GO ON. I will post what I salvaged of it soonXXX)
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