ALL DRESSED UP AND NOWHERE TO DIE
My spiritual awakening 2.0 pt. 2. - Going back into the darkness
THE DEATH WE SHOULD ALL GET EXCITED ABOUT
My Spiritual awakening (S.A) 2.0 pt. 2 - Going back into the darkness
(Following on from pt 1, leaving time reality and entering colour reality. No experience I am describing is either DMT nor drug induced, and all based on actual events, just FYI)
Why did Little Danica (soul) lead me back into the darkness after my unbelievably blissful, inner-child healing, spiritual awakening 2.0 (my second one) ?
Spiritual awakening 2.0, wasn’t a death it was an actual awakening this time. My 1.0 and 3.0’s were definite deaths, 1.0 ending in a universally changing unbelievable life altering experience, and 3.0 I was plagued with melancholia and psychosis. 2.0 however, awakened me to the ideas of time, colour, and Little Danica. Afterwards, WE made a conscious decision to go back into the darkness (or Plato’s Cave, on the “Cave spectrum”).
It was one of the best experiences I think I will ever have and it did not take place in this dimension, I was told this. The experience of being re-united with my inner-child was so joyful for me, I was in disbelief for the rest of the night and made big changes in my life as a result of this. However, coming from this dimension, to that dimension and back again has come with it’s challenges.
I didn’t have the best spiritual support system around me after 2.0, which resulted in me being unable to fit that reality back in with this one. They weren’t fitting and I felt myself becoming beaten down by trying so hard to fit them together. The bliss that I felt in that dimension was unable to be translated in this one and that was really hard to cope with.
Luckily, I possess super healthy coping skills, so I coped with it the best way I knew how. CLONAZEPAM. Yep, Benzodiazapine, thank you Roche pharmacy brand. (I’m being sarcastic if I could go back in time, I would never have consumed a pill of this catagory of drugs ever. Unfortunatly, you can only go forwards in time not backwards, according to Hawkings).
During one of the nights I was “coping” with this fundamental pain, that what I felt in the new dimension couldn’t be appreciated in this one and lost in a fuck it moment, a path suddently appeared before me. I had to make a choice between ignorance or to keep evolving (the dark path). I will never choose ignorance, so it was a no brainer.
I have a instagram video of me saying “and so it starts,” indicating I have chosen the dark path. At the time, I didn't know what “darkness” meant, I thought I was choosing the dangerous side of life, like most people would think before actually choosing it themselves aka. Lustful, sinning, bad choices, the wrong guy/girl, hate, avoidance and forgetting about self control…..ect. The whole “fuck it” mentality basically.
However, I didn’t realise at the time my choice was a lot more complex and full of meanings to the word “darkness” then I could not have understood at the time, before my journey back down to the cave started.
How did this manifest in reality? Is that the boring part of the story? I think it is.
When I watch the movie Belle, a anime movie that is a modern day re-telling of Beauty and the Beast, which is a re-telling of how the ego and the shadow need to fall in love before you can start to face your inner demons and ultimately reach enlightenment, and stay there.
When watching BELLE, the only parts of it about the reality world that interest me are the parts where you are realising who is who from the AI dimension to the alternate-reality dimension.
(If you have never seen this film, which is probable because very few people have, then this won’t be 100% computing with you probably. However, it will still make sense in a minute, keep reading. Sorry, I just cbf telling you the whole premise of the film, and it’s unnecessary anyway. But you should watch it, its available to be torrented Im sure or Apple TV for cheap <3).
Everyone has a reality self and a digital ego-driven self in BELLE’s alternate reality and also in this reality we sit in right now too.
The reality that the ego and the shadow live in, in the movie Belle is a app on people’s phones called “U".” (This element of the story alone I feel I could analyse for hours alone!).
I found it interesting to understand the reality representative of the “U” version of the self, why? (This probably still sounds crazy, but the videos below will explain it better). Because I am a visual person, to see a visual version of myself that isn’t mem it’s a cartoon depiction of 1/4 of a part of me, who dominated my being and life for a large portion it when I was young, was very very important to help me understand where I was and where I was going next. Where I have been is clear to me, but it could be clearer.
Belle, is a really great visual experience of the self to learn about ALL aspects of the your spiritual atonomy. Well, only for those people who want to grow emotionally and to understand where they are in life or where they are on the “Belle Spectrum,” which I’d also think would be helpful spirtually to put into play psychologically.
If you are doing shadow work Belle is for you, the process it takes you through is a 1:1 replica of how to get through the evolution of the shadow process successfully.
Im still four or five years deep into shadow work, and although I have got very far and had one very cool insight into it there is one last step in it, that is depicted in Belle, that I’am seriously resisting.
Where am I on the Belle spectrum now? Which Is after I have chosen the darkness and have now been in it for several years. I have been through a war for a lot of that time with my ego. My ego was struck dead suddenly for the second time in 2022, which was really fucking hard. It was so hard and brutal and fast that I went into psychosis over it. The first time I killed my own ego had a beautiful outcome, but having your ego be killed by forces outside of your control is a very very different experience. It had a bad karma feeling about it. Internal bad karma.
However, that is now. Back when I was innocently choosing the dark path, I didn't know that there would be a apocalyptic confrontational total war awaiting me.
Wait, Im lying. I did know that there would be a war, AND I was able and willing to fight it and win it, tbh. By choosing to go down into the darkness again, this meant I was actually super happy to sign up to fight this war.
Like a member of the reserve army being told I would actually get to fight a real war finally! I was excited, and I was going to give it my all. I was ready.
I had been training for long enough, and I felt like I had earnt it. My opponent in this war, the major pull for me from light towards the dark, was a worthy opponent. I would have believed back then that I was pulling my opponent into war, that I was in control, manipulating the whole thing. I thought my opponent was ignorant to the commencement of this total war, but they weren't as ignorant as I intially thought.
I remember mindfully buying my opponent a book to indicate the beginning of the war, a book called, “Until death do us part.” (Nothing I’m telling you is fiction, just reminding you).
I got the feeling my opponent was used to short wars up until that point, and also used to winning them and getting out fast. However, this needed to be a LONG war for me. I predicted it, as the book indicated, to be to the death. I had trained for so long at that point for this war, that I would have been able to drag just about anyone into it with me that I chose.
In hindsight though, I don’t think I chose my opponent or manipulated them into fighting this war with me at all, I think they probably chose me now. Maybe they thought they would win a lot sooner than they did? In actual fact, as I mentioned, my ego didn't win at all, my ego was abruptly taken from me in a few seconds six years after the war started.
Dead.
I won.
But no one wins really. It’s not that kind of war.
Where did everyone go?
I now wonder around the maze that the darkness has reduced my life to, that the end of an intense six year war can send you. Alone. In the dark. I have given up solving the problem of the next step in the process, in the dark, all by myself for the first time.
I’m still not sure why it was me who lived, is this bad karma? I’d like to slap such a simple answer like that on it, but it has a different feel to it and I know bad karma when I feel it. I have got enough of it at this point. (Lol, I have also got amazing beautiful good karma too, which makes all the bad karma taken worth it).
Again, I keep mandering back to now and I want to discuss then. Now Im in the damn maze, again trying to work out where my courage is to complete the next step.
However, when I was still fighting the war that was when my shadow work commences, around two years into fighting the war. You must go back down into the cave in order to start shadow work.
Shadow work for me, started very confrontationally, and abusively adminstered from me to my shadow. I Separated myself completely from “her,” I used to call her “her,” in a bid to separate her from “us.” She was not an accepted part of myself for a while.
Working through that was hard and my ego had to be ripped out of the way over and over again. In order for me to accept my shadow and become aware that the shadow was a crucial part of keeping my much loved and earned humility, the ego had to repetively be violently ripped away from me, as to not allow it to take me ver like it had before S.A 1.0. I had to gain control over my ego, and discipline it because I was never going back to becoming sadistic evil Danica, that was a vey emotionally torturous time of my life, all 15 years of it. So I was just repetively pushing the ego away in favour of my shadow. Then insight finally came to me one day when seeing a preview of Belle.
The shadow really aligns itself with the soul in ways the ego will never be able to. The ego is focussed on the outside which is important, but not if it becomes severely unbalanced with the inside being left empty.
You can get lost in that unbalanced “utopia,” and then everything else gets ignored and you just stop being who you are. This has happened twice to me and twice my ego had to brutally be murdered because of it.
The second time it was the cave people who murdered my ego probably. They wanted to yank me out of utopia, the utopia they envied so much that I was in. Little did they know, that this utopia I was portraying to them with my ego was actually a brutal war I was really tiring of. They never will know my pain and struggle during that time. The cave people just saw the glamourous side to it, which was love, lust, strength in connection and growth, maybe even shallow things like status and popularity, which was all there too. The cave people always only see either the good or the evil, there doesn’t seem to be a spectrum for those people, it’s a black and white world they live in.
However, IT WAS A WAR. In all sense of what a war is, Nazi Germany, Rowanda, Isis, are they utopian places or moments in time? Well neither was this delusional utopian time they saw, that I was going through with my ego war. I would have fought this war until the day I died though. However, it came to a screeching halt after the assassination.
THE INSIGHT:
The insight I spoke of earlier that came after I had been doing shadow work on auto-pilot for around three years at that point, came loud and clear. It was after I had stumbled upon a preview of Belle on YouTube. It was a preview, but it’s just a whole scene of the movie that tells you alot about the premise, but leaves you wanting to understand whats going on, which I guess is the point of previews lol. However for me, yes the marketing worked and made me want to watch more lol, I also felt an instant spiritual connection to it which didn’t happen every day, maybe it’s happened four times in my life that strongly.
The identificaton I felt that came along with viewing this scene of Belle was like a lightening bolt to the heart:
……..and I thought, wait, that’s my life right now. My ego was finally seeing the abuse we had been administering to “her,” my shadow, and the resentment the shadow was feeling for me was also becoming obvious to me, understandably for all my abuse to her. I cry every time I think of the pain I caused my shadow, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and still have yet to forgive myself for it.
Once the death of my ego happened for the second time, I was devoured into a cloud of melancholia, holding the light and weeping.
When the war was over, my shadow was now free from the egos neglect, but it wasm’t free because the ego and the shadow had finally started to become friend’s again, which as depicted in Belle, this needs to happen. My ego, always the problem child, wasn’t becoming friends with my shadow, this had left me badly wanting to get out of my own way again. Then next minute….
My ego was dead.
I wanted to get my ego out of the way and aid it in working out how to unite it with my shadow. I wasn’t looking to have it be killed, for the second time (I brutally killed my ego in S.A 1.0. It was a bloody O.J Simpson style murder).
This time I didn’t kill my ego though, which was really hard to deal with, and for the first time ever in my life I was operating without any ego what so ever. My ego was murdered, and my shadow now stands by waiting for me patiently to formulate a new one. While the ego can greatly hinder the shadow, the shadow needs the ego to continue being. This is because the shadow is the shadow of the ego, not you. Without the ego, the shadow can only sit and wait for me to get my ego back so it can cotinue operating as the ego’s shadow in this world.
Today I live on, no ego, no operating shadow but Little Danica stands by me always, thank god. We now fight the demons alone, a job that the ego and the shadow completed so seamlessly together. It’s not really the job for little Danica, and I but right now we have no other option until I find that courage in the maze. We have been struggling doing it alone and it has taken us away from important work, like the re-building of our paradise, which has stopped and will not continue until we find our ego once again.
I don’t understand the demons down here in the darkness. They confuse and trick me and they block my path.
I’m treading water right now. Some days I hope to drown, and this maybe will spark a desperation for Karma to push me down low enough to start to climb back up out of the cave
I’m hoping to become myself again one day in all my sadness, pain, love and light. A dream of the “new beginning.” However, these are useless thoughts and are there to distract me from my main mission right now in finding that god damn courage in the god damn maze. I know what I have to do next to get that awakening or light, that leaving the cave has brought me in the past. Whether this brings to me a “new beginning” or not is just silly utopian dreams, I have no idea what my next awakening will do for me or how it will manifest itself in my life. What I do understand about an awakening is that it’s a clear indictation that I am evolving, and this is my major focus in life. Even though you could say that I am a human being and evolution will happen whether I have an awakening or not, which is true. I believe spiritually you can get stuck and stop moving forward and this is what I see as a catholic’s depiction of hell. If you are failing or winning, they are both great in life because they are both elemens of evolving but when you are just lost in a maze alone.
THIS. IS. PURE. HELL.
QUESTION:
How the fuck do we support the shadow while the ego is away? How do we get a renewed ego back?
So I watch as my shadow stands a few paces away from me still, unable to trust me yet.
I posted this video of Belle below, it’s in Japanese so I suggest you switch on the captions for English to read the words Suku (the inner-child) is singing. I now understand this is exactly where I am on the BELLE spectrum today. This clip perfectly outlines where I have come from, where I am today and where I need to go now once I find my courage to do it. The words of this song, the singing, the symbols, the fear, the light, the weeping ego, the waiting bruised ego and the seemingly impossible (for me now anyway), support of the cave people.
This song is called A Million Miles Away, that is sung by the soul/inner child to the ego. It’s a song of grief, love and longing and i’m doing it all for my shadow, to bring back her trust again. All Happening in the colour dimension, but within the dark shadows of “U,” and the cave people are my terrifying audience:
……when the inner child’s song mixed with seeing the moon cultivates this light from within, which triggers the cave people to also be awakened and gain the light. Which consequently, also leads the ego, wherever she is, seemingly lost and scared to also gain the same light while intensely weeping. This is what I haven’t yet had the courage to give to myself and those around me. But I want to with all my heart, soul and mind.
I want to feel the ground move and be taken out fron underneith me, like the inner-child experiences in Belle, being taken away by some kind of spirtual beauty, manifesting in the movie as a huge whale taking Suzu through space and forward onto find her ego again and singing in the glory and beauty of the patterns of the world that will alwys be so colourful and elating.
This part of the film has also made it clear to me that I can’t go alone this time, until I convince all the cave people to come with me, in the darkness with them I will remain.
How do I convince the cave people to come with me? It has something to do with a showing of bravery and a showing of a depth of vulnerablity that never has been seen before. The only benefit of being left without my ego or shadow for the first time (aka, only half of me remaining), is the fact that i can get to a depth of vulnerabillty not peviously possible now, because I am broken now. Only half of my reamins, which means anyone at any time including myself can see striaght into me. I see myself, running around a maze thinking this is the worst thing to ever happen to me, desperatly looking for the courage to fight it, that i’m NEVER going to find anyway. Why? Because my courage is my vulnerability, which is also my broken state of being which is one half of me missing. Which is also my loss and pain and that little girl alone in the dark.
All I have to do is be that little girl alone in the dark, and when I find the courage to just stop running around the maze and be that, this is when I will be able to sing in front of the cave people.
(Your version of singing could be anything, anything that has always made you feel excrusiatngly vulnerable).
Finally there will be nothing left of you except the inner-child, and that is where we always have to start our journey to not only leave the cave, but burn the cave down, like the what you see happening in the Belle clip, the Beast’s castle is being burnt down in “U.” This will bring everyone in the cave into the light with you, so everyone experiences the bliss of being whole and knows the beauty of contributing to the whole. Which is the best place anyone can be spirtually. This will relieve the suffering of the shadow and reincarnate the ego.
All dressed up and nowhere to die. The Predator blog and podcast 2024Little Danica and I feel all these feelings when we sing in the dark, but we’re not singing loud enough yet, so the cave people can’t hear us. we are doing this on purpose.
Singing is special, it transports you to enlightenment for these moments that you are singing. It's a measure of where you are at in reference to the patterns of the universe. This can be measured by how easy or hard it is for you to hear harmonies and even better, how easy or hard it is for you to sing harmonies.
Where I am now though, is the scene before that last video of Suzu singing. In the scene before this song is sung, Suzu is having a major break-down deciding whether she can go into “U” and sing or not. She’s crying and rocking back and forth like a mental patient.
However, the character that is playing her meta cognition, this hansom male figure who helped her after her mother died, when she was a little girl and he was only a child also. (A scene of this is shown when little Suzu is crying by the water, he grabs her hand at the end of this sequence). He represents the meta cognition, which is your consciousness that is constantly telling you to do the right thing by yourself.
I assume sociopaths cannot hear the meta cognition anymore at all.
The meta cognition representative in Belle, the hansom male, is sternly saying to Suzu, “you have to do this (enter U and sing in front of everyone asking the ego to come back), he will never trust you (the shadow) if you do not do it.” The meta cognition then decides to make her do it, he knows she is ready, so he turns the music backing track on and pretty much pushes Suzu into the spotlight in “U” in front of the whole population of the cave people, to get it done.
This is what I feel has happened to me before all my spiritual awakenings. I was 100% pushed by something, I don’t know that I would ever be able to just enter into a S.A by will of my own. i have never tried anyway.
I didn't plan on entering into my S.A dimension or state of mind consciously. Not many choose to die, most see death as scary and besides that, to choose it is against human nature. However, we must die and come back again and again until we learn the lesson stated above. The only people wildly known for doing this on purpose regularly are Buddhists and hindi relgious people from India. I know of a few westerners who follow those spiritualities, who have meditated themselves into an awakening too.
The conseqecne of my ego being ripped from me kicking and screaming before it had a chance to befriend the shadow, was unbeliebvably dysfuntional.
My ego wasn’t going without a fight the second time and this time she even tried to take me with her. I have tried to describe the experience in a narrative-non-fiction-reflection I’m writing about this war called Predator. (Hence why the podcast and blog are called that, and tbh it will probably make more sense once the reflection-non-fiction-narrative Predator is read (lol I can’t seem to label/genre this story)). It’s a dark deep dive into details of some of my experiences, told within some what of a narrative but it’s all non-fiction. Nothing in it is made up, some of it can be metaphorical or allagorical but most of it is just actual events I have experienced. These are the experiences I had while fighting in the war between me and my ego. Experiences spanning across six years of my life before the death.
WE MUST GO BACK DOWN INTO THE CAVE! Is always going to be my main point.
WE MUST GO BACK DOWN INTO THE CAVE! Is always going to be my main point.
Whether I intended that to be my message or even knew it was going to be my main message at the time I started writing Predator. It’s a pretty important one to realise, but I do believe like myself who consciously chose and wanted to go back into the cave. You also really need to want it, for it to ever happen.
It’s really great leaving the cave for the first time and seeing the real world. We go through so much to get there, so it’s not surprising that we really don’t want to go back down into the damn cave so fast. However, the process will never be finished if we don’t and we will never feel whole until we do. Straight after I had reunited with Little Danica during spiritual awakening 2.0, it all became very clear to me the cave was the way. DOWN was the way, and it always will be.
All dressed up and nowhere to die. The Predator blog and podcast 2024The only warnings I will give you about re-entering the cave are:
You need to have built a very strong emotional foundation before going back down into the cave.
I went to Narcotics Anonymous and enagaged completely with their spiritual program for two years with no drugs and no alcohol, entering into a total spiritual rehabilitation.
I didn’t just attend N.A, I became it, in any way humanly possible. I made it become a part of me and I gave up everything for it. This paid off, in ways I never thought imagnable, I only gave N.A my all because something larger than me was screaming at me that I had too. This something is something I love and trust greatly, it is Karma.
N.A changed my life so beautifully and allowed me to start building my paradise again, this time with an almost unbreakable foundation, and then after two years I chose to leave the safe four walls of my spiritual rehabilitaion.
I went to N.A in direct consequence to spiritual awakening 1.0. My paradise is what I gained from my time in N.A, and this is where Little Danica resides usually and continues to re-build our strong foundation for us, for when I return after I die die. But unfortunatly, because I can’t live in this world alone, Little Danica has had to stop building paradise to be with me here, until I regain my ego and shadow again. We woudlnt be able to come close to surviivng this without the strength of our paradise having already been built and holding us up…….for now, but it won’t forever.
You must have re-united and have strong ties with your INNER child again, before you even think about going back into the cave.
Going back into the cave can easily be a death mission. You need to be strong and really believe in yourself, because people are going to hate you and want to tear you down and will not want to hear any of your wisdom. You have to believe in yourself enough to withstand this and keep on keeping on.
Once back in the cave, it’s go go go. The growing might seem like it has come to a halt because you are going to seemingly be doing some pretty dark things in this reality, but if you believe in yourself and not care what the cave men think, you will actually learn the biggest and best lessons ever learnt by anyone In any life when back down here and you will learn that pain is your friend and pain will take you to places that those who don’t allow themselves to feel pain or those who villify it, will never get to experience. These people remain “cave people.”
You can look at re-entering the cave as the real start of your life. This is Genesis. Birth is just the negotiation.
All dressed up and nowhere to die. The Predator blog and podcast 2024Today, I feel like I am in the darkest depths of the cave.
I feel like people no longer understand when Im speaking plain English. I have given up a little even. One person can only stay in the dark alone for so long before they start to lose hope. Knowing what I need to do to get out of the maze and realising it are two different things.
Patience. Patience is all I need. It will come. Patience.
The maze can be very tiring to be in. The whole point of a maze is to get out of it. But this maze has a different point.
Then HOLLER!! In comes my guardian angel Lana Del Rey, having written yet another song descriibng my current status within my journey through the cave. Making me look at me in all my gore and glory.
Another fucking song about my predicament to show me where I am at and show me also that Im not alone in it. I heard this track in 2022 for the first time and understood her understanding me which motivatd me to go on, she always does. This was one of the last Lana songs that gave me that birds eye understanding and knowledge of where I was and that I was not alone in my feelings about sometimes terrifying dark maze. This song describes EXACTLY WHAT I JUST DESCRIBED in this article, this is what Lana does for me. Lana, can scare me sometimes with how accurate she can be about my current situtation and she always describes it better than I ever could.
My guardian angel.
She ended her last album, which I didn’t like very much as a whole, except three of the tracks that stay very important to me. The last track being one of them, Lana ending the whole album with the lyrics, “I know, I know, I know, that you hate me.”
Being in the darkest part of the cave for that one day too long is described in one of these three tracks I love from her last big album release. Lana tells me/us all about it:
Personally for me, I believe it’s a song that you sing to yourself in those emergency times alone in the dark. When those mosaic ceilings and man made walls start to seem that little bit too tempting of an offer.
““Come on baby and thrive!”…………..but I can’t……….When’s it going to be my turn?”
Its a loaded question that turns into a kind of begging by Lana “guardian angel” Del Rey to the universe. I hear it as a fear based and impatiently posed question. Surrounded by sadness, delusion and longing.
Open me up, be my friend, and don’t forget me.
Vivian V.
The Predator Blog brought to you this week by MIRROR, MIRROR
Productions. A big thank you.
Copyright Danica Conwell 2024 All Rights Reserved.
Music by Lana Del Rey and BELLE soundtrack and videos owned by the artists and YouTube. I did not make them or contribute to them in any way or form. Credit goes to the respective artists, owners and/or their production and record labels.